Recently I feel like I have found more of groove in figuring out parts who I am and more confidence in sharing that.
I'm an intuitive & intentional artist-entrepreneur that works through overcoming anxiety on the daily.
A lot of other things too, but these are what I focus on the most daily!
Intuition and intention are such a beautiful part of how I connect with the world around me. I wouldn't be where I am without it.
Art & entrepreneurship dance in my mind where I love to create/express while finding it equally as fun to think of ways solve problems, craft offers and market.
After all, marketing needs design. I wouldn't be where I am without it.
Then there is overcoming anxiety on the daily. You should feel my heart as I begin to point it out distinctly.
It's been about ten years since I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. At that time I was having panic attacks that were interrupting life.
An ambulance was even called to my high-school once during band practice because they thought I was having a seizure. (Imagine a social anxiety nightmare.)
Even though I reached the milestone where I no longer needed to keep paper bags and waterbottles with me at all times, it still took its toll.
Anxiety hit my body and developed into a chronic, let's call it "tummy ache" eight years ago. (The memories from the hospital visit kept popping up this past week.)
This led to college where I really fell out of touch with my self at times. My mental health reached its worst here.
I finally had a pretty hard break during the first half my junior year. It was as I approached my worst thoughts that a lot changed.
I held tight to the love I knew my family had for me the last time I went that low and somehow the thought came, "If you were to let everything go, there has to be other things you can let go before that. What do you actually need?"
I needed some form of shelter, food/water, and ideally human connection.
All the details are built on those foundations by society, but really that was all I needed.
And suddenly a lot of things seemed more like a choice.
I re-approached college like I was going for me and not for them.
I re-approached work like it was an opportunity for me to connect, grow and develop new skills.
I eventually approached the "scary" jump of being a full-time artist by asking myself how I would meet some of those basic needs if art didn't allow me to meet them. (Because even though "you should only pursue art since it's a passion," we still all need to have those needs met.)
I love facing the worst case scenario now, not to dwell on it, but to figure out how I would handle it and no longer give it the power of fear.
To this day I still work to overcome anxiety on the daily. I try and lean into it when I can, (it's an amazing reminder for everything that's not done at all times.)
I also forgive myself for the times anxiety wins.
This looks like every text, email and message I've typed out and couldn't bring myself to send. (Then assuming that person doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because I didn't reply to them.)
This looks like cutting my plans short because I couldn't be in public anymore.
This looks like crying on my floor as my body locks up because I let too many deadlines slide because I kept overthinking what I had to submit.
There's also some real mundane shit that causes my anxiety to act up because it's just silly and lives life like that.
If I don't forgive myself, I don't give myself the chance to try again and do better.
Every post and effort I have made to put me and my art out there comes after I work through the chorus of voices laying out every good reason I shouldn't.
I would be lying if I said my way of thinking wasn't framed with a method to constantly acknowledge and overcome anxiety.
I know I'm not the only one fighting this battle, and I think it's time I'm more honest about how much this impacts my life.
It's a big part of me.
I wouldn't be who I am without it.